Untitled

Charmaine Loverin, Canada

I didn’t know how to tell
Who to tell
I felt scared and unsafe to tell

I was 9 when I realized something was no longer right
Not good

It was happening as far as back as 5

It felt good
I felt special

I knew to expect physical pain when revealing any kind of truth

But

6 years forward
I NEEDED to tell

I needed to YELL!

I wanted it ALL to stop!
NO MORE!!!

I don’t want to keep remembering THE day of disclosure
I was 15
It is when and where PTSD began and… had NEVER ended

Slapped, punched, made out as the liar, the bad one, trouble maker

“Get out!!! You are disowned from this family!!!!” echo echo echo echo echo echo

Isolation became both my salvation and peace

It’s safer alone

But… I didn’t know with aloneness came blind onset of worthlessness

Suicide

Disassociation

Survival… and surviving meant, for me… Success without “YOU!” I needed no one!!

Proving and earning my worth into International success!!

20 years old…. WHAT?!!!!

He abused more than me?!!
Someone I loved more than life myself?!!!

I felt an unforeseen force wave over me
Unstoppable

He NOW NEEDED to be STOPPED!!

Without fear, immense anger I without hesitation charged him!

Within one year he was found guilty on two counts;
Gross indecency with a minor
Sexual assault

Do I feel better?
I thought I would
I didn’t
Far from it

If family was distant before
I am NOW the very wrong and bad one
Made to stay away

Suicide sets in again

But I survive
Life goes on

Taking any job that has me look like I’m living my best life

Im married now
28 years old

Fast forward I become a Mom
THIS changed EVERYTHING!

Forgiveness
Love
Reflection
Accountability
Advocacy
Education
Healing
All became my hungry quest for being a part of child abuse intervention

But how?

Finding out how meant reaching out for help, asking questions to get answers too where I felt sometimes embarrassed, guarded, vulnerable and protected

It was not a way of living I was used of
Not my normal
A full transformation

Through it all, I discovered where I thought was the weakest to display was quite the opposite for it was within EVERY human being…

When I stopped to listen to another, and another, and another that, it was in OTHER’S sharing where I rose to discover that;

Vulnerability is the GREATEST superhero trait to EVER expose

It breaks all barriers and causes a planet to shift!!!

A planet for sustainable transformational and positive change, possibilities and miracles!!

Today, I HAVE forgiven
Myself
My child offenders

I have reconciled

I am ALWAYS healing because healing is no longer a negative thought for “fixing me”… healing, for me, is a gracious, very worthy lifestyle!

Who am I?
I AM Charmaine Loverin
I would NOT be who and what I am WITHOUT everyone who has contributed to my life, whether comfortable or not
I am FOREVER grateful
💛

Comments

No comments.

Leave a replyReply to

The Gatehouse