Please, don’t cheer at my progress! You may smile,
But let your smiles be kindly and not wry -
Not “There you see - we told you so!”. That style
Can sting.
Picture instead a fractured sky,
Filtering sunlight to a still-dark place,
Testing my skin, and scattering only shy
Freckles of happiness across my face.
Author Statement
I wrote this tentatively cheerful one when I noticed that recovery is possible.
After,
i was in therapy for years
CBT worksheets plotted purposefully amongst childhood paraphernalia
from corners, soft lamplight was thrown like a duvet
trying to drape coziness
over the confining clinical unease.
and they were all the same
like a drugstore halloween costume labeled “safe space”
it was a factory-made attempt
to resemble the real thing
on grey walls hung posters advertising healing
as a landscape with peaks and valleys
true as it may be,
the message seemed a joke
from the merry-go-round’s plastic saddle.
one after the other
well-meaning professionals gobbled up
veiled confession
i can’t eat because it’ll make my thighs too big
was easier to offer up
than
i can’t eat because looking like a woman
is what drew him in
full from my empty bellied half-truths
they would rub their satisfied stomachs
nodding as they prescribed me
a 50mg prize
After,
i became lost in a body
that no longer felt mine
Shame sinking me deeper by the day.
not long was I gone before
the missing signs went up around me
the photo used was of the girl before
my family and my friends searched,
pleaded, despaired,
but soon the search was abandoned
and from my warm corpse
i watched as my mother,
destroyed by guilt
believing she had failed me
mourned her child.
watched as my friends moved on,
unable to keep reaching outward
only to return with untouched palms.
i watched as my kind father,
eyes heavy and confused
opens his arms wide
like a shoreline of pure hope
and he calls me to make my way
back to him
desperate for an embrace
from his lost child
it would be five long years
until I would return
to the warm sands of touch
After,
You gave me this Shame.
Shame that denied delicious food
lovingly made with intention and care
Shame that shut me out from the world
from relationships
from school
from parties
from sex
from me
years passed by under the weight
of it’s control
but now I know
that this Shame you gave me
isn’t mine.
the burden, the disgust,
the blame,
the things you placed in me
when you took away my childhood
and my voice
I can see now, they were never actually mine
this Shame is Yours.
Now,
after all this time
You take it back.
In loving memory of Before.
Author Statement
Lauren Frechette (she/her) is 22 years old and a first-year student in the Creative Writing program at OCAD University. With her work writing poetry, Lauren has learned to better navigate the murky waters of trauma, reclaim her voice, and most importantly, acknowledge the quiet beauty in everyday life. You can find her on Instagram at @laurenfrechette
A life of Trauma is like a life at stormy sea
The brutal storms and changing tides drowned you in an instant in time.
The crashing waves beat you around and forever the fear pins you right down.
When you look towards the horizon's way, you're hoping and begging for better brighter days.
And when all you can do is continue to fiercely pray, and even with skies that are full of grey
the Creator tries to guide and lead the way... to try and teach a beautiful better way.....
Learn to sing, dance, and sway with the waves as they are beautiful too.
Author Statement
I worked on this poem, then became critical of it, and got very frustrated with myself. I tried to write something “better,” but through my sharing with an elder, and through her amazing sharing with me, I realized that this poem is the one I was meant to write and submit. I have learned that creator may not give you a lot of words or super fancy words but any words can be just as impactful and healing.
Weak, weak, weak.
My mind is in a fog.
My vision is in a haze.
This is how I spent many of my days.
Days, weeks, months, years…
My inner being drowning from tears.
And now, I have a sense of strong.
I haven’t mastered it yet but I am no longer all wrong.
I have a sense of strong…
to get me through my days.
I have a sense of strong…
to look past the haze.
A day at a time, I continue to climb.
A day at a time, I clear my mind.
Be gentle they say, you’ll find your way…
I believe you now, thank you and have the best day.
I have a tortured mind and you may too.
After you read this poem, may I suggest to say, “I release you.”
The mind is cunning…
Oh yes, it’s wise.
But these thoughts are not truly yours nor mine…
They are not for us to keep.
Live and be free in your light.
Shed those bad thoughts…
The ones that come about all day and all night.
You are perfectly imperfect.
Yes, All of you…
So own it!
Live it!
And tell these thoughts, I release you!
I forgive you.
One day, this may be true….
But for now and first off, FUCK YOU!
Oh, don’t worry…by “YOU” I mean me too.
But for now, let’s get back to you…
Yes, you!
You know who you are.
Dig deep, you know every last detail to be true.
You are to blame and if you need a reminder, look in the mirror and say, “Fuck you!”
Should you choose to remain in the dark, I will no longer take part…
in this facade that we play in all night and all day.
I have an inner child to tend to, one that is waiting to shout, “Hurray!”
So day by day, bare with me as I say, I forgive you I do.
But also, momentarily, FUCK YOU!
Dark thoughts at night,
may you see the light.
Dark thoughts at night,
I release your fright.
Dark thoughts at night,
it’s my time to bite.
Dark thoughts at night,
it’s time to turn off the light.
Dark thoughts at night,
it’s time for me to have a Good Night.
Ricky (age 10)
No need to shed another tear
No one wants to spank or beat you, call you names or sexually assault you
You are safe. I will protect you
Spend your time…playing, laughing, enjoying nature…and just being silly
Rick (teen)
You have experienced ecstasy and hell
You’re just a teenager, but forced to grow up fast
No one sees YOU, the “real” you
You have taken it upon yourself to be the Protector
But now I need to protect myself
You are my sexual being, and you left me in a teenage mindset when navigating relationships
I know you were hurt by older married men – physically and emotionally
I know that you are still scared of “Daddy”
For God’s sake – your pen pal was raped and murdered at 15…by Daddy?
Did he order this to be done? I have no proof, just gut instinct
Elisa…We wrote openly and honestly, and I thank you for our friendship
Elisa…I am sorry. I miss you. I love you. You are an angel
You are no longer in danger
Don’t be angry
Don’t feel like you are missing out
Stop blaming others and just…LIVE
Try to be happy
Try to love. You are lovable, you know.
Kind, funny, sensitive, wicked sense of humour…
That is what we love about YOU
Richard (age 56)
It is ok to fear the unknown
Life is one big – What if? Maybe? Why? Why not?
LIVE LAUGH LOVE
You say it. You want that to be your life’s motto
It is a blessed life shared with a loving husband, supportive friends and family
Work consumed you, but was also your security blanket
“I’m too busy” was your excuse to keep people away
Now that you are retired…say YES or say MAYBE
Teach yourself to not say NO
Life is short
All we have when someone dies are memories
Fill the rest of your life with emotions and memories that are happy, sharing, loving and true to yourself
You have supported your community for over four decades, and it is ok if you need some help. Ask. Try to find your voice. Helping others helps you
Be strong, sensitive, silly, and vulnerable – let Ricky go
Be sexy, protective, and confident – let Rick go
Ricky and Rick are a part of you
They will always be there…in spirit, in memories
Rest your mind. Heal your body. Let your spirit soar
Eulogy for me, by me, for some time in the distant future:
Ricky – We Honestly Love You
“I honestly love you” is Ricky’s favourite Olivia Newton-John song
Rick – Dance like no one is watching, because “You Look Like A Dick To Me” (Olivia Newton-John song from Sordid Lives)
Richard – You are a Survivor and Thriver. Your infectious laugh, kindness and humour will be missed. You gave so much to your family (biological and chosen), friends and community. We love you. Namaste!
“How lucky I am to have known somebody and something that saying goodbye to is so damned awful…
He came to me to be a friend, and I knew some how he couldn’t stay
That he was someone I would know a little while
He brought a smile, and he was free, and he came to give it all to me
The chance to see the way he sees, so I could fly…
I tried to see, all that he saw in me, looking through Richard’s Window in the sky” (from Oscar nominated Olivia song, “Richard’s Window”)
Steve (my husband) - “No Other Love” is an Olivia song on her album, GAIA, which became our wedding song. I never thought in my lifetime I would experience sharing my life with someone, and truly feeling loved. Thank you for 27 years of shared happiness, adventure, and wedded bliss.
My Love…I’m too busy
My Sweet…You got to eat
I love you!
Eggplant emoji. Peach emoji. Heart emoji.
Author Statement
This past year, I asked for help.
I struggle with anxiety, depression and dissociation. I started attending weekly psychotherapy sessions and found them to be extremely helpful.
Life is a journey and I want to participate in all that it offers.
I have survived an epic moment
Sensed but not selected
Tied to this background
Support is an offering
The flow of strategy, an
Opportunity to share
Learning to practice
Implementation of this project
Blindly scribbling on paper
Reading that is encouraged
Reclaiming hope to see
Trauma and my brain
Winding down the brightest
Collars collapse into Bibles
It's about what I believe
Insight real, controlled hatred
Going towards home
Similarities from strategies
The health care provides
My journey full of resources
The healer proud of treatment
Experiences tender to the fold
Following the instructions on how I should proceed
Author Statement
I wrote this poem to describe the journey, the healing journey I have been on the past year and how I use the tools that I’ve been given to help me cope with the stress of daily life. I tried to show how art and poetry can help me overcome the challenges that I face everyday. This describes what I do in order to make art and how I feel about my life and how it progresses, while I make light out of Darkness.
