How can I ever forget the two shitty times we spent together?
I did what I was told to do. Why did you make me feel so dirty?
I was told to meet you and I did. Back at your apartment, you made me strip
You took my underwear and you told me to follow you to the bedroom
You told me you liked to be watched as you stripped…slowly
I was scared. All I could think about was my underwear. I only had 3 pairs.
Why did he take them? He is so big. They won’t fit.
Once naked, you wanted me to watch you put on my underwear
You stretched the leg openings, and they didn’t go all the way up
Ungh…Ungh…you made sounds, then to my surprise, you shit in my undies
The whole time, you watched me. I didn’t move. I don’t understand.
Am I doing what he wants?
You took off the undies, dropped the turd in the toilet, and made me put the underwear back on. We got dressed and you gave me a ride home (actually, a block away from home).
I run upstairs and changed and washed in the sink as best as I could.
Bath time was once a week…Sundays. I had to wait until all my siblings were bathed, then I got their same dirty bath water. But I was home, and I felt clean.
Mom found my soiled undies and thought I had an “accident”. She told me that next time, please put the undies in clean water in the toilet to soak. Swish around the undies and do your best to clean them. She did her best to scrub them, but for the next few years I had a permanent pair of slightly coloured undies with a dark secret.
The next time I was told to meet you, I was instantly scared. I had no idea what you were about to do. Back at your place, naked, you decided that you wanted to have some fun:
- Me on my back, raise my legs in the air, then suck my own cock
- You are holding my legs, leaning against my back…watching
- Time passes, then you introduce me to “dirty licking” (I had to lick your dirty smelly bum hole, while you licked mine…I think I was hairless and clean)
- While squatted over me, you told me to open my mouth as big as I could. I could only see your back. Your ass over my mouth. You took a shit
- I panicked. I remember a tear rolling down from my left eye. I was doing what I was told…my mouth was still open. I tried not to breath. It smelled. I coughed and turned my head and threw up.
- You were mad. You pushed my face in your shit and my vomit.
- You told me I was a good boy. For that reason, you shoved your cock in my mouth as a reward. All I taste and smell was shit…then cum. I swallowed because you told me too.
We dressed. You drove me home. I never saw you again.
After 40 years of silence, I am telling my story. I don’t ever want you, or someone like you, to ever touch me or hurt me. After 40 years, I still know your smell, taste, and touch. I don’t think you even remember me…but I can never forget you. FUCK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am in my 13th month on this self discovery journey as a CSA survivor.
Seeing the documentary, Leaving Neverland, gave me the language, courage and voice to no longer keep secrets and to tell my story. I was sexually assaulted in my teens by 50-60 men. They made me call them Daddy, which hides their true identity. Dirty Daddy was one of many men, who haunted me for over 40 years. I seek closure and peace within myself.
I deal with anxiety, depression and dissociation. I attend weekly psychotherapy sessions.